


A Cowboy Christmas

by AngrAka



Category: Fate/ stay night, Fate/Zero, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Internalized Homophobia, M/M, a yuetsu christmas
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-05-31
Packaged: 2020-03-02 20:21:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18818314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngrAka/pseuds/AngrAka
Summary: Kotomine Kirei’s life on his daddy’s ranch was good and Catholic... until that unwanted chef showed up. Will Christmas ever be the same? Will Kirei?





	1. Chapter 1

It was 1890 in Wyoming. Kotomine Kirei was a simple, catholic rancher. He grew up on his daddy’s farm, where he learned how to tend to the crops. To make em grow good, as his daddy would say. He did everything he was supposed to do. He went to church every Sunday, and every evening, all tucked in after a hard days work down at the ranch, he said his prayers. He was the perfect, good little catholic boy. Though sometimes in a sociopathic haze, he would bludgeon and dissect a local dog or two. But God was forgiving, and there must have been a reason for that. 

Still, no one, including himself, would ever suspect he could be capable of having “unclean” thoughts.

That was, until the cook arrived.

It was Christmas at the ranch, and at first Kirei didn’t understand why his daddy was so insistent they hire a chef. All he wanted was to spend Christmas quietly. But oh no, his dad had other plans. As usual. Goddamn, no one understood him. No, now that he thought about it, that wasn’t exactly true. God understood him. Whatever happened God must have a reason, right? 

So he just accepted it despite the fact it made him want to punch some walls, or whatever rebellious teenagers did. He wouldn’t know. He wasn’t like the other boys. He wasn’t festering in sin.

(Well, not yet at least.)

He was confident he could never be tempted. Too confident. He had even come to believe he was immune. How little he knew. Perhaps he could be immune to the charms of men, but the cook that came to the ranch was no mere man.   
No, he was something else. He looked like a statue brought to life. His catlike eyes were a scorching red that burned into Kotomine’s soul.

Oh, how it burned. But it was a pleasant burn like red wine. Which he wouldn’t know about of course. He had never tasted one alcohol in his life. His life was one of total sobriety, and he’d never even contemplated having it any other way. Until now. Something about this man made him suddenly want to search the entire ranch for some alcohol. He always knew his bastard of a father must have some around. Where is it? He wanted to demand. Where is the goddamn alcohol?

He kept it together of course. Because he had always managed to before. But the more he looked at the man, the more he felt his thoughts slipping into sin. He couldn’t look away from the man’s hair that was as gold as the hay he fed the animals on the ranch, or his patrician nose. Most of all he couldn’t look away from those eyes.

Those demonic eyes. 

Yes, that had to be it. This man had to be some kind of demon, and the worst kind at that- Kotomine feared this saucy little man was what those God forsaken homosexuals called a “twink”. 

He breathed a sigh of relief at having figured that out. His daddy had warned him about these homosexual folks. But he thought their power was only a myth. Now he saw the truth. Anyone, even someone as dedicated to heterosexuality as Kotomine Kirei, could fall under their spell.

Fortunately for him, he was blessed with the Intelligence to see it for what it was. A spell, a trick. And he would resist.

He watched his father awkwardly try to talk to this man. Clearly his ole daddy was trying to avoid the man’s gaze. He must have figured out the same thing that Kirei had, which is that the homosexual power is stored in the eyes. As long as you didn’t look at the eyes it couldn’t hurt you.

Or so Kotomine thought. But even though he made sure to avoid the man’s eyes he still couldn’t look away. There was something about his stance, too. The fact that he crossed his arms disdainfully, and he clearly ignored every word Kirei’s father said, muttering the words mongrel over and over under his breath every time Kirei’s father spoke. He looked at Kirei’s father as if he was a speck of dirt on the floor. As hard as he tried not to, Kotomine Kirei found the man’s complete lack of respect to be incredibly attractive. He was so lost in his attraction, in fact, that he had at first didn’t hear his father calling his name.

“Kirei! Kirei!” His father shouted, “come meet our new chef!”

Kotomine Kirei emerged out of the shadows. The cook thoroughly looked him up and down. Kirei gave the huge golden cross on his chest a good jingle , to notify this homosexual that Kotomine Kirei would not be swayed by his charm.

“Your son is a man of faith I see,” the cook said thoughtfully. Kirei’s father looked shocked; this was the first time the cook had actually spoken. 

“I am,” Kirei answered dominantly before his dad had a chance to do it for him. Kirei reached out his big, masculine hands, rough from all the years of working on the ranch. The cook took Kirei’s hand into his own and gave a firm handshake. The cook’s hands were smaller, softer too, like the cook had never actually worked once in his life.

“Oh? Is that so?,” the cook said seductively, he continued with a wink “My name is Gilgamesh, it’s a pleasure to meet you,” 

“Likewise” Kirei said politely. Kirei tried to remain as calm as possible, to not give any leeway for any further homosexual-esque harassment from this queer. 

“Are you going to let go of my hand, Kirei?” Gilgamesh asked, amusement twinkling in his demonic red eyes. Those damned red eyes. 

After a moment of shock, and realization that Kirei was gripping Gilgamesh’s hand as if it was his last Bible. Quickly Kirei released Gilgamesh’s hand. If capable of blushing, Kirei would be all red in the face. If Kirei could feel embarrassment, he figured it would feel something like this. 

“Well Kirei, I have to go, get the “vegetables” wet” Gilgamesh said with another wink as he walked to the kitchen. His walk was more of a strut, his long legs taking each stride with elegance and pride. 

As Gilgamesh left, Kirei let out a sigh of frustration. This homosexual was challenging Kirei, making him feel things he thought himself incapable of. Unwanted sinful thoughts began to creep into Kotomine’s mind. Kirei needed time at the church, alone with God to clear his mind and repent.


	2. Chapter 2

The church was a long walk away, and Kirei had plenty of opportunity to reflect on just how close he came to sinning. Too close, he thought uncomfortably. But he also refused to be too hard on himself; after all, he’d been in the presence of a twink, a creature of legendary power. He’d had to learn of this twinkish power the hard way, but going forward his guard would be up. There’d be one man and one man only who would occupy his thoughts, and that would be God. Loving and thinking about God as often as he did didn’t make him gay, it simply made him a righteous person. And that’s how he would stay.

He was on his way to the church when he heard someone following him. Without turning around he knew it had to be that damnable twink again. Couldn’t a man even walk to church in peace? 

“I thought you were cleaning vegetables?” Kotomine’s voice boomed. He still didn’t turn around, knowing as soon as he did he’d be lost in those freakishly gorgeous eyes again.

“I never said I was cleaning them,” Gilgamesh answered in a sultry voice. “I said I was “getting them wet.” 

Gilgamesh said nothing more, but there’d been enough in his words to leave Kotomine Kirei pondering them. What did he mean, when he said vegetables? Could it be that he was saying....some sort of euphemism?? Or, even worse, were the phallic images that now flashed through his brain simply a product of his own corrupted mind?

Over and over the words repeated in his mind, tormenting, tempting. Wet, vegetables. Wet, vegetables. Wet, vegetables. To drown it out he tried focusing on praying instead, but even his prayer starting sounding like the beginning of a confession. Forgive me father, he thought, in alternation with wet vegetables, until his mind became a mess of thoughts. Until he became a mess. And it was all because of this twink, this vile, disgusting twink who stood behind him. He clenched his fist, determined that he would punch the man to the ground before he could twist his mind anymore. That’s all he had to do. One simple swing to that devilishly beautiful face.

That wasn’t what he did, though.

No, he couldn’t punch that face as badly as he’d wanted to only seconds ago. He could only stare in morbid, unholy fascination at the beautiful face before him. At those smirking lips. Others might have wanted to smack away that smirk, but all he wanted was to…

Look somewhere else. Look somewhere else kirei. Think about God. 

His best defense at this point was close his eyes. If he did that, the thoughts of God and holiness would come rushing back as they always did. Right?

Except when he closed his eyes, and tried to picture God, all he saw was the cook, his golden hair blowing regally in the wind like the mane of an angelic steed. And the cook was...he shuddered...nude. Well, mostly nude. His crotch was covered by, of all things, a wet vegetable. Specifically, a squash, The most accursed, phallic vegetable of all. 

Despite the innuendo of the squash Kirei was at the very least pleased of its presence. If he imagined Gilgamesh fully nude, that would be homosexual of him. But just almost completely nude and with a squash covering his crotch made it heterosexual, or so Kirei hoped.

Yes, that’s right. He was heterosexual. He mouthed the word quietly aloud as he opened his eyes.

Well, he’d thought he’d mouthed it quietly. But apparently not, as two seconds later, Gilgamesh mocked,

“Heterosexuality? How pathetic! You disappoint me, Kirei. Even for such vulgar mortal scum as yourself, this is low.”

Kotomine did his best to hold himself together, but he found himself deeply affected by the cook’s words. He’d always prided himself on heterosexuality because he believed that’s how God wanted it. But the cook’s presence made him question everything. Kirei was suddenly struck with the horrifying thought that he would do anything to impress this man. He would willingly abandon all his moral principles and open his mind to homosexuality; he would even become heterophobic, if that’s what it took.

“Did I say heterosexual?” He said in a somewhat panicked voice, just a bit different from his normal deep monotone. He thought back to Gilgamesh’s earlier exchange with his father, how he kept repeating the word “mongrel.” “I meant uh..mongrel. As in, all heterosexuals are mongrels.”

“I see,” Gilgamesh said, sounding pleased. “So you aren’t aren’t a complete waste of life after all. You have potential for much greater things.”

Kirei internally blushed at the compliment like an infatuated schoolgirl. This is was the sort of praise he’d always hoped one day God would descend from the heavens and tell him. But God wasn’t here now, just this cook who’d arrived out of nowhere and changed everything on this small ranch. These words were being spoken by an unholy twink, and yet Kirei couldn’t help but feel validated by them.

“What must I do to live up to this potential?” He asked Gilgamesh. 

Gilgamesh whispered gayly into his ear, “Oh, you’ll figure that out for yourself all in due time Mr.Kotomine,” Gilgamesh’s hot breath warmed up his cold ear, so considerate of Gilgamesh to help keep his ear warm. 

Kirei walked away from his close proximity of Gilgamesh. It was too much, too soon and Kirei was still so conflicted and confused, he had no idea what Gilgamesh meant but did not push any further. If time was all it would take, Kirei would give all the time in the world. In the meantime, Kirei planned to have his alone time with God, to find answers to all of this. Although validating and exciting, Kotomine could tell Gilgamesh was a scheming twink, with a tainted mind unlike any other. 

And so Kirei began walking again to the church within sight. He expected to hear Gilgamesh’s light steps following him, like before but instead only heard the neighing of the horses, and the mooing of the cows. Kirei walked on, happy that he was alone. He thought that perhaps Gilgamesh stopped following him because homosexuals were not allowed on Holy Grounds, like Demons, or Ghouls. This also brought great comfort to Kirei, to know that, not yet has he truly abandoned his heterosexual lifestyle. 

As he opened the church’s doors, Kirei thought to himself, I want to know if it is a crime to live as you are, when you are different from others, and entered the empty church.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whether u like to admit or not ive done sm for the kotogil community. u should thank me. comment or die.


	3. The Church

Ah, finally. Some alone time in his favorite place. Kotomine took a deep breath and relished in the sweet, sweet, silence.

Er, it was supposed to be silent.

He thought he heard laughter, and not just any laughter. The laughter of that demonic twink. But he dismissed it as his paranoid mind playing tricks on him. If that twink had been foolish enough to somehow follow him here after all, surely he would have burned to death upon entering the church’s walls. That’s what happened to demons, right? 

Still, he was annoyed that even now the abominable twink was present in his thoughts.

He walked down the aisles of pews, thinking very definitely not gay thoughts but instead catholic thoughts of hellfire and burning. The pews were decorated with bright gold tinsel, which Kirei found a little odd since the Church was usually pretty plain even around Christmas time. It made him do a double take, and wonder if maybe the Church had been decorated every year and he just hadn’t noticed. 

The pews, now that he took a good look at the church, weren’t the only thing decorated with gold. When he looked above him he saw hundreds of golden….orbs? Hanging from the ceiling. In fact he saw a massive golden chandelier right smack dab in the center.

And—maybe he was crazy—but he swore the walls looked like they were tinted with gold. Like someone had pissed all over the place in the most expensive, elegant way possibly.

“Who did all this?” He wondered aloud. He hadn’t expected to hear an answer but one came anyway.

“Isn’t it obvious?” Came that all too familiar twinkish drawl. Gilgamesh, who was reclined in one of the pews, wearing a sparkling gold cowboy hat, a slutty v-neck plaid shirt, ripped jeans, and snakeskin boots, said with a shrug, “The place needed some redecorating.”

“Redecorating?” Kotomine Kirei burst out, barely able to contain his temper. “I ..you..YOU CAN’T REDECORATE A PLACE OF HOLY WORSHIP YOU...YOU..YOU BLASPHEMOUS TWINK!”

Gilgamesh’s indifferent reaction to the insult made Kirei think it wasn’t the first time he’d heard it. “I expected you would thank me for my services. But, as usual, my skills go unappreciated.” He sounded genuinely offended. He sat up quickly like a cat about to pounce, and Kirei thought for a second he would lunge and try to tackle him. But he simply tipped his cowboy hat and said “I’m the best interior decorator. You should be grateful to me, lowly filth.”

Kirei leaned in close to Gilgamesh, and he shook his head. “What are you doing here?” 

“Did you not hear me the first time? Are you deaf as well as tasteless? I redecorated.”

“No!” Kotomine Kirei said in disgust. “That can’t be it. That can’t be the real reason. I’m gonna ask you again. WHAT. ARE YOU DOING. IN MY CHURCH?”

“Well, this lame church was so drab and boring, I had to redecorate. No way could my good conscious allow me to keep on living after seeing such a miserable interior design job.” Gilgamesh spoke matter-of-factly. 

Kirei backed away and sat in one of the pews. He pinched the bridge of his nose in irritation, and calmly spoke again “This is a holy place, Gilgamesh, you can not just show up and redecorate,”.

Gilgamesh began to laugh loudly. 

“Why are you laughing?” Kirei questioned, his eyebrows creased in confusion. This was no laughing matter. This was vandalism of a Holy Place of Worship. He could not understand the antics of the deplorable sodomite, of how someone could transgress against God so frequently.

Then suddenly, the sunlight through the windows hit Gilgamesh’s cowboy hat so well, it looked like it was glowing pure gold. The shine then created a light beam directed straight toward the center cross, or it would have, if the cross was still there. Instead, there was a portrait, framed in gold, of Gilgamesh wearing those accursed snakeskin boots, stepping on the second Governor of Wyoming, Amos W. Barber whom had a perverted smile on his face. 

“Gilgamesh… where did you put the cross?” 

“Oh? That big T? It was rather tacky so I threw it out,”

Kirei seethed with rage. “BIG T?” He yelled in frustration. He stared up at the ceiling as if he might see God there, and God would give him counsel to help him through this. But there was no God to be found in this place anymore, just this horrendous golden interior.

If Kirei hadn’t devoted his life to being a holy citizen, he would have thought this was hell. But as far as he knew he’d done nothing to deserve this punishment in the eyes of God. He was truly baffled as to why this was happening, as to what it all meant. 

“What will it take to make you leave?” He asked.

“An assurance that you would give consideration to indulging in the divine pleasures life has to offer you,” Gilgamesh said thoughtfully with a Texan accent, which was widely considered to be the sexiest accent. Seemingly out of nowhere, he pulled out a pistol and begun playfully taking aim at the picture of Amos W. Barber as one might shoot darts at a dartboard.

“That’s a big...pistol you got there,” Kirei said, trying to mentally puzzle out the meaning behind Gilgamesh’s words. By “divine pleasures” surely he meant some kind of worship? That was the most pleasurable activity Kotomine Kirei’s sanctified mind would allow him to imagine. Did Gilgamesh want to partake in a shared form of holy worship?

Kotomine Kirei couldn’t lie to himself, the offer was appealing. But he couldn’t make himself believe there was any honest intent behind it. For God sakes, Gilgamesh was commiting a sacrilegious act- shooting a pistol in a Church- even as Kirei was contemplating his offer!

Gilgamesh stood up, and dusted his ripped jeans. “This has been truly lovely, Kirei,” He looked at the painting, “Amos, but I have a meeting with Ida Stover Eisenhower. I hear her husband David is quite infertile so I’ll have to help the lovely couple out,” he said with a wink and a smug smile. 

Gilgamesh began walking out of the church, but stopped at the doors and said “Think on what I’ve said Kirei, and don’t disappoint me,” 

And with that, he was gone. Kirei sighed. Finally, finally, he was alone. He looked around the empty church, at the Amos W. Barber painting, and all the gold decorations and sighed again. Kirei had much to do now. He had to get rid of these frivolous decorations, take down the painting, and find the cross. That’s not even mentioning all the soul searching and time alone with God he needed to truly find himself.

With one last sigh, Kirei got up and started to remove the Amos painting. He looked at Amos W. Barber’s dazed, blushing face and wonder what he felt. Lust? Love ? He couldn’t quite understand, what pleasure could be received by being stepped on by a homosexual? He wondered. !At least when he was busy, his thoughts were not completely occupied with the Golden Twink but stil, the thoughts of him and his stylish cowboy hat and Texan accent kept coming to his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what’s up? yall still too scared to give me a comment ? pathetic, really.


	4. Chaps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A dinner with the gays.

After a nice long session at the Church, Kirei began to make his way home. It was evening by that time. The sunset was golden, which of course made him think about The Golden Twink. After some private time with God, or as Kirei liked to think of Him, the daddy of the skies, he was sure he had managed to purge all thoughts of Gilgamesh but apparently not.

He was so stunned by the content of his own thoughts that he almost forgot the way back to his house. Lucky for him, the local sheriff, Sheldon Cooper, was conveniently walking the exact same path as him. Kirei breathed a sigh of relief. He could simply follow this sheriff home, and forget all his worries.

He wasn’t feeling much in the mood for conversation after his particularly long and meditative session with God. He hoped the sheriff was feeling as reflective as he was and he could follow the sheriff quietly. But he had no such luck. As soon as the sheriff saw him approach, he ran up to Kotomine Kirei excitedly.

“Mr. Kirei, is it?” The sheriff exclaimed. “The rancher’s boy. Oh, your father will be so proud of you! Congratulations!”

“Proud of me?” Kirei asked, greatly confused; as far as he knew he’d done nothing worthy of such praise. “For what?”

The sheriff seemed almost thrown off by Kirei’s questions. “For the homosexuality of course”

The very implication upset Kirei so much that for a minute he was speechless. “Me? Homosexual? But how...what...made you come to that conclusion?”

Sheldon seemed to find Kirei’s obliviousness sweet, for he smiled awkwardly like a grandmother. “Oh, I know it’s not always easy sometimes to accept. But I saw the new boy in town, Gilgamesh, leave the Church while you alone were in there...it wasn’t too hard to piece together what you two were doing.” He laughed delightedly. “But don’t worry. Your secret is safe” he winked “with me” he winked again.

 

“This is ridiculous!” Kirei exclaimed, unable to keep his thoughts to himself. “Do you expect me to thank you for being delusional? You’ll keep no such secret, Sheriff Cooper, because none exists! Gilgamesh and I were doing nothing like what you are insinuating. To even say that, to a righteous man like me, ordained by God to be heterosexual- how can you do this? it’s outrageous! it’s unfair!”

 

Sheldon just keep smiling that creepy grandmotherly smile. “Shucks, I thought the same thing. But let me give you a word of advice, my boy,” Sheriff Sheldon Cooper threw his arm around Kotomine Kirei, “take it from the town sheriff, embracing homosexuality is the best decision you’ll ever make. Let me walk you home, give you some time to give some thought to what I said hmm?”

Kotomine didn’t protest; he was too horrified. How could this powerful man charged with the safety of everyone in his town think homosexuality was acceptable, let alone encourage it? There was only one answer. Sheldon Cooper was a demon straight from hell, too. 

Kirei decided it was best to not react to anything Sheldon said, and not let him think Kotomine Kirei took anything he said seriously. So Kirei just shut his mouth and listened to Sheldon ramble on like the fool he was. They’d reach the ranch soon, and Kirei would be free at last from these demons. His father would greet him, and he’d be once again immersed in a good Christian atmosphere.

Like everything else that had happened recently, though, the walk didn’t end as Kirei had wanted it to. When Kirei’s father saw the Sheriff, he offered him the choice to stay for dinner, and what Sheriff could refuse such hospitality?

So that’s how Kotomine Kirei found himself dining with two homosexuals.

For dinner, they had shrimp. Well, Sheldon and Gilgamesh did anyway. Kotomine knew better; he knew that shrimp is forsaken by God, and instead chose to eat homemade style classic Wyoming mapo tofu. Just how his old PaPa used to make. 

The homos chatted intensely amongst themselves, talking about all the queer things, like gay rights and equality. Kotomine chose to zone out, if he mentally pretended he wasn’t there, then he wouldn’t be there anymore but alas his attempt was futile when Gilgamesh asked, “Sheldon, how’s the wife doing?”

Kirei was shocked, pulled out of his stupor. 

This couldn’t be, there’s no way that queer Sheldon Cooper folk was actually a heterosexual man. 

Impossible

Kirei’s mind was blown and his eyes widened in shock. 

Gilgamesh and Sheldon noticed Kirei’s shock instantly. Gilgamesh laughed his lion rawr and Sheldon gave a warm chuckle.

How embarrassing, to be laughed at by a homosexual and Sheriff Sheldon Cooper, Kirei thought.

Sheldon spoke, “Oh gee, Kirei, were you not aware I am a heterosexual male. I have a beautiful wife whom I love dearly,”

Kirei, still in disbelief, said “Then what’s your wife’s name?” In an attempt to catch Sheldon in this heterosexual lie. 

Sheldon let out a small gasp, surprised by Kirei’s apparent interest in his wife, “Well, gee her name is Arturia “Saber” Pendragon-Cooper,”. 

Gilgamesh intently watched this exchange of words, ruby-red eyes darting between Sheldon and Kirei, perfectly reading this situation and chuckling to himself. Oh how dearly he found Kirei’s odd actions and behaviors entertaining. 

The dinner went on for what seemed like forever. Kirei found himself being driven slowly mad by the sounds of shrimp being chewed. He didn’t get it. Wasn’t shrimp a homosexual food? Why did Sheldon eat it if so, if he was really the same as Kirei and a heterosexual too? Why did Sheriff Cooper love homos so much? How was it possible for a man to lead such a righteous life of loving god and accept homosexuality?

If the sheriff could do it, there was a tiny sliver of hope that Kirei could too. But there was an ever greater chance that he would fall so, so far into a sinful life. Sheriff Cooper was a man of great discipline, of self control. Kirei really had to ask himself then; do I really trust myself? Do I have what it takes to accept homos without becoming one myself?

He remembered something he heard some of the good Christian town people say. “Homosexuality is a choice.” That sounded about right to Kirei. Yes, he had the power to choose. He was confident that he would choose heterosexuality every time. Of course he would.

He felt at peace. He took in his surroundings with a deep sigh of relief. Coincidentally, just as he was appreciating the world around him, Gilgamesh stood up to shake Sheldon Cooper’s hand. The plates were empty, the two were saying their farewells, which meant that dinner had ended while Kotomine was lost in thought. That wasn’t what now profoundly upset himnow, though. No, it was the site of Gilgamesh’s ass that shook him to the core.

Assless chaps. The goddamned twink was wearing assless chaps, and not just any assless chaps of course, sparkling golden ones that framed his ass perfectly. And now Gilgamesh’s juicy ass was all Kirei could see in front of him. It would haunt him, long after the night ended.

Sheriff Cooper didn’t see the least bit bothered when he happened to catch a glimpse of that juicy ass. “Now where did you get those??” He asked. “I need me a pair of them! My wife would go absolutely crazy if she saw me in those!”

“I’m surprised,” Gilgamesh said, “I thought such fashion was beyond mortal comprehension. You, Sheldon Cooper, are a man of taste. It would do you good Kirei, to take a cue from this man.”

Sheriff Cooper left, and Kirei was alone with the twink. Gilgamesh refused to clear the table, and Kirei was too stunned by the assless chaps to do anything but stare. So Kirei’s father, who it only occurred to Kotomine Kirei now had been absent at the dinner, had to do it. After the plates were cleared both Kotomine and Gilgamesh went to bed. Gilgamesh slept soundly knowing he was getting under Kirei’s skin, that he was so close to freeing Kotomine Kirei and allowing him to become a homosexual he has always been like himself. Kirei, on the other hand, could not sleep at all. It was Christmas time, a time when his thoughts should have been of His Lord and Savior. His thoughts should have been of decorating trees and eating turkey. Instead his mind was plagued with nightmares about, of all the cursed things, Gilgamesh’s assless chaps. 

If even the excitement of Christmas time could be ruined like this, was anything truly sacred?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess what fool! we r back n better than ever, now w assless chaps, comment or else.


	5. Yeehaw That’s A Big Horse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Horse

Kirei expected the next morning to be full of awkward tension. In fact, as long as Gilgamesh was around he expected every morning to be full of awkward tension because it’s what he seemed to excel at, just like Kirei excelled at being a holy man.

He woke to the smell of something cooking. It smelled like bacon but you could never be sure. It didn’t matter what Gilgamesh was cooking, though. The fact he was cooking something at all was a huge relief because it meant finally he was doing something useful. 

Kirei wandered into the kitchen, enthusiastic to catch the chef in action. Except when he got to the kitchen, there was no Gilgamesh. It was just his father standing over the stove.

“This doesn’t make any sense!” He exclaimed. “Why is my father the one cooking when we have a hired chef?”

Clearly Kotomine’s father did not hear him, for he just continued to merrily cook some bacon. Kotomine Kirei sat down at the table, pondering this perplexing situation.

Gilgamesh interrupted Kirei’s pondering when he skulked into the room like a cat and took a seat at the table. He was wearing an oversized shirt that read “My husband said to wear something sexy to bed, so I put on this shirt of Amos W. Barber.” It had an image of Amos W. Barber on it.

“Well hello Kirei,” Gilgamesh said, putting his feet up on the table.

“Hello? Hello? How can you greet me while you refuse to do work you were hired for in my house? And where the hell did you get this shirt?”

“I found this shirt in your house, Kirei.” Gilgamesh answered, cleverly avoided the other questions. “I’d say I’m surprised that such a stylish piece of clothing escaped your notice, but you simply don’t have the taste for fashion that Sheldon Cooper does.”

“It’s true, I gave it to him,” Kirei’s father grumbled over the bacon he was cooking.

Kirei was so stunned by this revelation that he forgot his earlier anger. He had many questions, but it would take all day to ask him. He ended up just shrugging it off. There were bigger things to worry about, like the work that needed to be done on the ranch. For example, the horses needed to be tended to. Besides needing their daily food and water, their bedding hadn’t been changed in a while, and their dusty coats needing grooming.

“So Kirei,” Gilgamesh interrupted Kirei’s thoughts, “I was thinking today we might ride” he winked “one of your horses. I’d like to see if your breeding practices are up to standard. Not that I have high expectations, but it wouldn’t be the first time you surprised me.”

Gilgamesh had a way of phrasing everything he said to Kotomine so that it sounded as if it was some kind of sexual innuendo. Kirei would have been bothered by this a couple days ago, when Gilgamesh first showed up, but after spending a some time around the twinkish man so he just brushed it off. What did bother him was the fact that he’d literally just been thinking about the horses, and now Gilgamesh brought it up as if he could read his mind. Kirei was starting to think Gilgamesh knew him too well.

“That’s a great idea Gilgamesh,” Kirei’s father said as he set the bacon on the table “why don’t you boys go do some ridin’, I’ll finish up here.”

So they left the food on the table and went down to the stables. As soon as they got there, Kotomine Kirei, out of habit, began introducing the horses.

“So we named this one Wyoming, after Wyoming, the state we live,” he said, pointing to a dull brown horse. Gilgamesh didn’t even bother to look in the horse’s direction.

“Boring,” He said. 

Kirei began to go through all the horse’s names, but Gilgamesh’s reaction was the same to all of them. Until they got to the gigantic horse Kirei said was named Big Jake.

“Now this is an excellent horse!” Gilgamesh exclaimed. “Let us ride this one.”

“This one?” Kirei inquired. “Well, see, we don’t exactly ride this one, because he’s so big. The biggest horse in the world, in fact.”

“Well you know Kirei, I do like them big.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wacky how im in Wyoming rn and this story takes place in wyoming... the immersion is unreal,, anyway pls comment n tell me ur thots


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is still a christmas fic

Kirei had a flashback to the last time someone had tried to ride Big Jake. It was many years ago when Kirei was but a youngling. He had been here in the barn with his father, trying to get some chores done when a man had appeared in the doorway of the barn. Kirei had been too young to know about twinks, but thinking back on the moment now that he was older, the man who had appeared that day -he said his name was Jack Twist- had surely been a twink. It explained his father’s exceptionally angry outburst towards the man.

“How dare you show your face in the presence of my young son!” His father had screamed at the man.

Jack had only grinned crookedly and said “Take it easy man. I’m just here to ride your horse.”

“Horses don’t like homos like you!” Kirei’s father retorted. Kirei aspired to use language so boldly one day.

The twink just shrugged. He didn’t seem the least bit bothered by such a damning accusation. Rather he was cocky. He whistled and Big Jake kicked his way of out of his stall to Kirei’s father’s amazement; he’d known the horse was strong but this was on another level. Seconds later Jack Twist got on Big Jake and rode away. 

Kirei had been heartbroken that day. He’d thought big Jake was gone, but the horse mysteriously showed up again days later.

Kotomine Kirei wasn’t ready to lose his horse to yet another Homo, but he didn’t seem to have much choice in the matter; in the second or so that he’d been lost in thought Big Jake and Gilgamesh had already bonded.

Kirei wasn’t sure how much riding experience Gilgamesh had, and was prepared to give Gilgamesh a beginner lesson. Gilgamesh, not one to be thought of as a beginner of anything, was having none of that. He practically leapt onto Big Jake without any direction from Kirei.

Kirei couldn’t help feeling disappointed that he couldn’t throw Gilgamesh up onto the horse with his muscular field-tilling arms, asserting his dominance in a heterosexual manner.

Not wanting to endure the embarrassment of having to sit on a horse behind Gilgamesh, Kirei chose a different horse and got on that one. By the time he had, Gilgamesh had galloped away. 

Oh god, he thought, it’s happening again.

He spurred the horse he was riding to a gallop and soon enough caught up with Gilgamesh only to come up against a new horror:

Gilgamesh was speaking to Jack Twist, the twink from his nightmarish flashback.

“Kirei, come meet my 47th boyfriend,” Gilgamesh said.

“Howdy,” said Jack. “Wait a minute, Gilgamesh, did you say 47? Damn, I thought I was at least in the top 10.”

“Shut up homo,” said Kirei.

“Careful Kirei,” said Gilgamesh, waving a finger, “or you’ll let the repressed feelings out.”

Kotomine would choose to ignore that remark, for now; his head was spinning with anger and confusion and he had a lot of questions.

“How can this man be your...what you say he is?” Kirei asked, outraged.

“Please, Kirei, this is only one of my boyfriends. I have thousands, you know.”

“Well now I feel a little better about being 47th,” Jack said, trying, and failing, to lighten the mood with humor; neither Kirei nor Gilgamesh cared enough about what he said to laugh.

“There’s no way what you’re saying is true!” Kirei denied, even though, looking at Gilgamesh, he had a hard time believing it wasn’t true.

Gilgamesh smirked gayly. “Oh, but I can prove it.”

“How?”

Gilgamesh then began listing off his boyfriends one by one. There was McCree, the gunslinger. Spike Speigel, who once belonged to a crime syndicate. Lee Scoresby, the balloon flying single dad from Texas. MACKLEMORE, the white rapper. The list went on and on, and Kirei was truly uncertain it would ever stop, unless he himself put an end to it.

“Alright, stop, I believe you!” he said at last, exasperated. “Just please, stop going on with this...this categorization of your sinful acts!”

Gilgamesh reclined back on Jack as if he were a piece of furniture. He was chewing a piece of hay, which protruded out of the side of his mouth in a rather phallic manner. “What reason would I have to stop, when I find so much amusement in watching you get flustered?”

“I’m not getting flustered!” Kirei denied aggressively. “I’m simply reacting as any sane heterosexual man would, upon hearing you speak of commuting such filthy atrocities against mankind! Thousands of boyfriends!”

Kirei looked like he was on the verge of clawing his own eyes out or committing murder or possibly both. Just when he thought it couldn’t get any worse, he heard Gilgamesh say (with a wink)

“And I could always do with one more.”

Gilgamesh swept kirei up in his twinky arms and placed him, much to Kirei’s confusion, back on Big Jake’s back. Jack Twist hoisted Gilgamesh up onto Big Jake’s back and gave Gilgamesh a pleading look; he hoped Gilgamesh would pity him enough to let him ride on the horse with them. But no, Gilgamesh showed no such pity. The time had come for him to acquire a new boyfriend- though Kirei didn’t know that’s what he would become yet- and nothing was going to get in his way. 

Gilgamesh urged Big Jake to a gallop and then they were off, leaving Jack Twist in the dust, another unfortunate casualty of Gilgamesh’s sluttiness.


End file.
